At 7:30 am two years ago Mikah was born in dramatic fashion in our bedroom. Immediately it became apparent that there would be something different with this little guy. He just didn't want to start breathing as quickly as a baby should. As I watched the umbilical cord still pulsing and the midwives suctioning and bagging him it seemed surreal. As if everything was moving in slow motion and I was dreaming. Then I was jolted out of my revery by Nina, one of my midwives telling me, "He needs to know his mommy is here. Let him know you are here." Instinctively I placed my hand on his tiny chest and whispered in his ear how we much we had all been waiting for him and how we were so excited to meet him and how we loved him so much. In the few seconds it took for those words to come out of my mouth he took his first deep breath. We cut the umbilical cord and the midwives placed him on my bare chest and covered us with many warmed blankets. So began the love of snuggling Mikah and I have together.
For a long time after that and still today at times, when he wasn't breathing right or needed calmed all I had to do was place my hand on his little chest and it was as if some great peace overtook him. I think that is kind of how I feel sometimes when the world just seems to be too big for me with all the troubles and trials we have gone through the past two years, just when I feel like or do start screaming at God about how it isn't fair and I didn't sign-up for it...His peace will overtake me, as if His big hand is holding me, pulling me out of my self misery and despair. Or maybe He is just covering my mouth telling me to shut-up and get over myself :)
I received an email today from Proverbs 31 Ministries that really touched my heart deeply. I am not sure if I am allowed to copy and paste so I will leave a link. It is titled When Your Worst Fears are Realized. The author, a mom and wife, always had a fear that she would have a child with a birth defect...hmmmm...is that just a coincidence on Mikah's birthday? I never even considered or feared having a child with special needs. I think I thought that it just doesn't happen to my family...Some of you know how stupid that sounds since you know my own sister was born with a birth defect!! Hello, is anybody home in there?!?! I guess I don't consider her as having special needs anymore because God was amazingly GOOD to her. She has done everything the doctors always said she wouldn't, except ride a bike. ( Although, I bet she could if she really wanted too ) :)
When it became apparent that there was something going on with Mikah that just wasn't typical, I remember telling a friend that God couldn't do that to me because I couldn't handle it. And then we got the first tests back and they were normal. I thought, "See, God wouldn't do that to me." How foolish, I am pretty sure Solomon was talking about me when he wrote many of the verses about proud fools. We later met with genetics doctors and came to find out the previous test was just a very basic test and they had much more sophisticated tests and Yes, they were 100% positive Mikah had a genetic disorder...WHAM!! It was like a blow to the gut, even though I knew deep down that it was coming. I am not sure you can ever really be prepared for something like that. Someone telling you this child, created out of love, that you carried and took special care of and brought into this world, wasn't perfect. That he would not be capable and never should consider having his own children. That he probably wouldn't be able to go to college, might not understand high school and probably would never understand love enough to be married. I didn't bother to ask them if they thought he would be able to understand salvation.
For me one of my biggest fears is our children not being saved and not spending eternity with Jesus. Now one of my children might not understand that, which I am confident means he will spend eternity with Jesus and, yes, I am a typical human, I am upset, I want him to understand and make that decision...
It dawned on me the other day that I should never have thought this couldn't happen to me, for many different reasons, but one it that it did happen to me when I was about 9 years old. When my mom birthed my sister. Maybe not as directly or in the same way but my mom knows about all these feelings I have. She knows things I don't yet because I haven't been there. And she knows how to keep on living. She knows how it is to come out on the otherside of the valley of the shadow of death, the death of a dream of a perfect baby.
And God knows too. He is the one who created the first perfect man and watched as he became imperfect. God knows exactly how I feel and "He is who in me, IS greater than he who is in the world" trying to draw me down. I loved all the verses in the devotional today. So here goes,
"You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear.'" Lamentations 3:57
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1b
"After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." Genesis 15:1
If you visit Marybeth's blog and read to the end of today's entry you will read her happy ending. Her son is twelve and God has healed him. I pray that ten years from today I can say the same thing...